Are the whispers loud?

...a journal entry from a little while back.

June 06, 2010.

"It's day one of our first week of youth and though I am tired, but I am hopeful. I have staff teams who are willing and teachable, groups who seem to be excited, and community kids who are ready to exert a whole lot of energy. I just challenged my staff to quiet themselves and to spend time truly hearing God today. This got me thinking about listening to God...

I have been hearing God lately in whispers but I wonder if it is possible that He has been shouting. Am I only hearing murmurings of my God because I am running too fast, talking to much, or just simply refusing to LISTEN. Jesus, speak to me and I will listen with heart abandoned.

After this prayer I read a pretty incredible thought about Jesus' interaction with the woman at the well and what that means in my life as a believer who is actively seeking Jesus. It said this:

"Let yourself be there in Jesus. Let yourself contemplate the relationship that you share. Stay for as long as you wish in that sacred place, beside the well that has its source in who you already are. Then let Jesus send you back to your village, the place in the world where you are called to live out the consequences of your prayer..."

Am I ready to live out the consequences of a prayer to truly HEAR my Lord? It is not an easy way but I know that I have access to a well that has its source in who I already am. That thought alone is pretty unbelievable, right?

El Mismo Cielo

So many thoughts race through my mind tonight. I think I could project thoughts, feelings, or new ideas onto this page for the next three hours but there is something that weighs most heavily on my mind so I will write about this tonight....

Marcela Gandara is one of my favorite musical artists-she sings a song called, "El Mismo Cielo." She sings completely in Spanish but her song talks about the changes she is going through as a follower of The Way of her Creator. She recounts streets that she has walked, a sky that she stands under, and the sun above her. She recognizes changed in the midst of that which is familiar. She articulates that although the streets, the sky, and even the sun that brings her warmth all look the same, she is not the same. She has changed from the person she was when she started out on that road however many years ago.

I can identify with this song-a lot. The past three weeks have been filled with places that technically all look similar to when I began this journey with God four summers ago. But I am not the same. I am thankful for God's everlasting love, for His tireless patience, and for the grace that has flown down on all of my mistakes, wrong attitudes, and tiring spirit. He has reawakened me through time with Shannon, Wales, Lauren, Lonnie, Rick, and so many other people I have come to love and respect on these reservations. He has taught me through broken cell phones, two hour drives to the doctor, long conversations with site directors, and "plans" falling through that HE is over all, above all, and in all. This summer is already so real and full of truth that I can't help but look forward to the rest because it reminds me that when things are hard it means they are real. It reminds me even more that where I am weak He is strong.

Speaking of real and hard and painful-one of my very best friends on this reservation just started chatting with me and she needs some truth spoken over her and into her right now. That is my priority so I am pressing pause on this thought for now. Pray for the nations with me. Pray for me as I pour myself out in these spaces and pray for our brothers and sisters who are pouring themselves out daily for the glory of God. I am blessed.

Me haces vivir, me haces reir, y respirar.....

Love and Laundromats

The four of us went to a Laundromat today so we could start Monday off with a duffle bag full of fresh clothes. As we were walking from the ATM at the grocery store over to the Laundromat, we met Joseph and James…

Joseph and James are two beautiful people who have fallen on hard times and are living without a home. Long story short is this: they were hanging out all day today and trying to collect as many resources as they possibly could before attempting to catch rides to Wyoming and Montana tomorrow morning. Anna and I stopped and chatted with them for a while then invited them to come hang out at the Laundromat if they were interested. We made our way there and began stuffing our clothes into machines. I sat down to read Isiaha 26 and moments later James strolled in and did a round through the place. At first, I expected that he needed something but it wasn’t that at all-he just wanted to come in and check on us to see that we were doing ok-that’s community. A while later, I was waiting for my clothes to dry so I did a few laps around the block and prayed for the days to come. I prayed for wisdom, for strength, but mostly for humility. You tend to need a lot of that in life and recently I am aware that I need to ask for a lot more.
After I got done with my walk, I walked back over to James and Joseph to return the favor of checking in. They were doing alright and we sat and chatted for a while. Not long into our conversation, Anne walked up with Lilo (her Boston Terrier)-she needed to run into Big Lots for a few necessities. She asked me to watch Lilo as she did not trust James and Joe not to run off with her. I kindly obliged. James mentioned that he was getting ready to leave, he looked me in the eye and told me I was a beautiful person then Anne agreed. Typically, I would have been flattered by this comment but I looked James and Anne in their eyes, thanked them for their kindness, but explained that they were truly beautiful. They understand community, they understand love, they were looking out for others before themselves.
Anne asked me if I needed her to pick up anything for me and I declined the offer, James and I hugged and he headed out. Lilo and I stayed in the sunshine together and greeted people until Anne made her way back out of Big Lots with her things. I was humbled; I prayed the whole time I was out there. I was thankful for the joy that was washing over me in that moment. I recognized with our God that there was a time that I would have done this for my own glory or gain but now, in this moment, I was experiencing the community that he created. A community where the ground was level because of the cross.
In chapter 26 of his book, Isaiah says that, “the path of the righteous is level.” A few years ago, I think I would have read those words and interpreted them to mean that those who are righteous are level headed, make good choices, and walk a path that is highly esteemed. Now, after today’s interaction, I would go so far as to say that Isaiah was hoping to have people understand that those who are righteous provide level paths for people to walk along. I think he hoped that these level paths would provide a space for everyone to walk hand in hand, work shoulder to shoulder, and love imperfect heart to imperfect heart. Redeemed by the life of a Savior who came to walk with each of us and with all of us.
This is how I will begin the summer-humbled by our Father, walking forward on level ground.

Caught Up and Called Out

RAMP 2010 is officially over and all staff teams have headed west for the summer. A friend and I were chatting tonight about life along the way. I started a discussion with her and I am still processing it days later. I want to write it down because I want to remember it and LIVE it long after this “revelation” is gone…
It was a rainy night and we were following a crazy driving co-worker to eat dinner together before heading out the next day. Somehow, we began discussing the many staff members and friends we know who were going to be arriving that evening and the next into communities where they felt “at home.” We talked about how, although we only spend 9 or 10 weeks in a certain community during this summer program, we often leave feeling more connected to this community and its members than we do to our own hometown or current city of residence. This thought might baffle most but to me, it makes perfect sense.
It might only be ten short weeks of life but those weeks are full of real life. We enter into a community and we are immediately interested in its heartbeat. We want to BE with people and LEARN their names, what they love, and how they are hurting. We do not only desire to learn, we are passionate about coming alongside the community wherever it will be most beneficial for them. Simply put, if this entry and existence is done well each summer-it goes way beyond mere presence in or “help” to a community. It is no small wonder to me that people leave these places feeling more at home than they ever have before-they have been forced to be in real, honest community. When there is a problem, it has to be solved immediately. When there is tension, honest conversations have to happen so that it can be sorted out. When something incredible happens, we get to rejoice in that together.
Before spending countless hours asking honest questions and getting honest answers I thought about community very differently. These days, it is clear to me that I desire to live in community that fosters growth, encouragement, and honesty. Why do we have to have a program in place to show us how to love people? When a community is missing the point, I wonder how much community truly exists. I’m no expert on this issue but I sure do think about it a lot. In any case, after this short conversation my mind has been filled with these thoughts:
I desire to LIVE honestly and intentionally for the rest of my life. I understand that this will look different as I am in different spaces but I think authenticity applies anywhere. I want to enter and exist effectively in every place that I live from this point on. Our God has shown me a different way and it is my hope to commit to His way-whatever that looks like in any place I land.

Watching Airplanes

........So, I’m sitting in one of those ultra inviting and comfortable seats in the MSP airport and I thought to myself, “I wish I hadn’t packed my journal in the bag that I just checked…” But, then I remembered I have an online blog I am trying to keep up with. So, I decided to seize the moment:

Today has been one that leaves my mind flooded with so many memories, thoughts, fears, and excitement-simultaneously. At the end of this day, I find myself in an airport watching airplanes (and hundreds of people) come and go. I think about all of the places I have been and people I have encountered and I am amazed and thankful but in a way, it also overwhelms me. It overwhelms me because I think of the strength and grace of God that have guided me through these journeys-I am humbled; it overwhelms me because I think of all of the people I have met and all of the relationships there are now to keep up with-I am blessed; it overwhelms me because I not only have a couple of months to go before the summer….but I also have the summer-which I am beyond excited about; finally, it overwhelms me because while I do have the summer left, it is all I have “left” of this chapter in my journey-and this kind of scares me. After August, I am no longer employed by YouthWorks and that makes me extremely sad but it also awakens so much excitement inside of me. I know that God is leading me and that alone brings me all of the peace I need for today.

So, those are my thoughts on this day. Here is a little update note about what I am actually doing for the next week:

I am headed to Billings, MT. tonight. I land around midnight then I will get up in the morning and drive 2 hours to Lame Deer to meet with some community friends then present YouthWorks to the school board tomorrow night. ..I am a little nervous, to say the least. It is funny how no matter how many times I do this-it always produces this little knot inside my stomach that never fails to affect me in one way or another. After the board meeting, I will head over to the YoungBears to see my little sis Shannon then drive 2 hours back to Billings to sleep. The next morning, I head to Seattle where I will meet with two of our site director candidates for recruiting before driving to Toppenish. I will be on the rez for a few days then will head back to Seattle, stay the night, then fly out the next morning to go back home to Minneapolis. It’s going to be a good trip that has me on the go quite a bit. I am excited to see my buddies though!! It will be a good “next to last” community development trip. Wow, that sounds so crazy to say. It is becoming more and more real to me as the weeks and months progress. The “future” is quickly approaching and all that I can think of in this space is something that Mother Theresa wrote and truly believed and that is this: I will not ask for clarity-only for faith. On this night, that idea sounds quite wonderful to me: I will forfeit clarity and cling to faith....

This is the sound of all of us...singing with love and the will to trust

Tonight I write from an air mattress on Yipper’s living room floor in Lodge Grass, MT. Today was just your ordinary fun-filled day on the rez. It started out with a text from Shelley telling us that Wale’s wanted to take us for lunch at the Bingo Hall this afternoon. Yipper and I made pancakes and chatted about life then Wale’s came and knocked on the door to welcome me into town and make sure that lunch plans were a go. Not three minutes later, Shelley called and was at the front door ready to “play” for the day. ….At this point, it is about 9 am.

The three of us girls sat around, played guess who, and caught up on life’s recent events. After a while, we decided to walk to the IGA to get some fresh air and pick up a few supplies for the day-mainly skewers for Yipper to make kabobs…we couldn’t find any so we cut up a wire coat hanger and it worked out just fine. After this, we decided we should head over to Crow Agency to the Multi to meet Wales for some lunch. A blizzard was coming in but we hopped in the truck and braved the snow. Lunch consisted of walking in, getting carded by security, then asked to leave because Shelley is not 18. So, Wales let us in the “back door”, bought us lunch, then sent us on our way.

Since most of the day had been pretty slow, we decided we needed some excitement. So, naturally, we put on snow gear, blew up a huge air mattress, and hiked to the top of “school hill.” Yipper and I hopped on the air mattress and that thing sure went fast. We rolled off before we hit the bottom to avoid running into the metal wire fence-I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time. It was an incredible time that I will remember for months to come.

The day ended with a trip back to Billings to exchange my little Suzuki rental car out for a four wheel drive. The snow is piling up here and there’s no way I could make it to Lame Deer tomorrow without four wheel drive. It was a great time to chat with Yipper, encourage each other, and exchange crazy stories about all that our Creator has been teaching us along the way.

...You know, today was simple. It involved great friends, fantastic memories, and sweet times of living life together. It reminded me that we were created to slow down, enjoy one another, and appreciate creation. I love the rez-it isn’t always easy but something about this place and these people gives me peace.

The Omer of Manna

I read Elisabeth Elliot's book, "Passion and Purity" not too long ago and in one of her chapters she talks about keeping track of life's events. She says this: I called the notebook the "Omer of Manna," taking the idea from Exodus 16:32, "And Moses said, This is the thing which the Lord commandeth, Fill an omer of it to be kept for your generations; that they may see the bread wherewith I have fed you in the wilderness, when I brought you forth from the land of Egypt."

After I read this, I started thinking a lot about how I wished I had kept better track of the past three years. I have seen so many things, learned more than I could have ever dreamed, made so many mistakes, and received grace every single time. I could tell stories about all of these experiences for hours but I wish I had more of those times written down. The Lord has been so, incredibly faithful to me. Sometimes, His faithfulness was easy and I accepted it with open arms. Other times, His faithfulness and goodness was hard for me to handle-because it included words I did not want to hear or things I did not want to do.

I know with every part of my being that my Creator is steadfast and His love never fails and I want to write these things down so that these moments (from the most simple to those most defining) can be shared with family and dear friends now and for generations to come...

So, with that said, I have decided to be much more committed to writing in my journal and as much as I can in this blog. I love this life-the happy times and the rough spots-and I am excited to share as much as I can.

"...Lord, I have said the eternal Yes. Let me never, having put my hand to the plough, look back. Make straight the way of the Cross before me. Give me love, that there may be no room for a wayward thought or step..."